The 'Dwight Schrute Blog'

Bullet Manipulation:

Not only can I manipulate a limb using techniques shown to me by the late Bo Bo Brazil at the Scranton Martial Arts Centre (SMAC), I can also manipulate the path of a projectile bullet. I do this by Hyper-Telekinetis and reversing the flow of neurotransmitters in the brain. To counteract this dangerous and painful procedure I use chemicals, in the form of a skin patch.

Competitive Eating:

I'm coaching Mose for the upcoming Annual 'Wayne County Fair' Eating Competition. Usually this event is owned by Mose but word has reached me via the sex offenders who visit the farm at weekends that Joey Chestnut is infiltrating the Hors d'oeuvre.

Joey rose to lofty heights in Competitive Eating in record time, from winning 'Rookie of the Year' in 2005 to beating Kobayashi in 2007. Little does Joey know that Mose can't be defeated because God blessed him with 8 peg-like front teeth. Mose will enter the Crab,Lobster, Crayfish, Shrimp, Krill and Barnacle events this year.

Brotherhood of Life: 

Recently been made 'Shogun' by the Brotherhood of Life for the capture of a 'Bokor' who worked on Elliot's Poultry Farm which borders our eastern boundaries. The initiation into 'BOL' was to spend the night in a barn full of Zombie Heads. Gasps of surprise could be heard from the 'BOL' when I left the barn at sun-up as I was holding a Ferret Carrier which I had constructed during the long night using an old basket, wire meshing and a leather belt.

My Hob and Jill are ecstatic with their new mode of transport and can now get back to smelling of testicle secretion instead of the Ox-Hide leather of my brief case! 

Chat Up Lines:

At the Barn raising last year I heard Mose say 'You've really got the build for that plain bonnet and shapeless black dress' and to my disgust it worked! They later went swimming at 'Schrute Hole' where the black dress did her no favors as the weight of the dress kept pulling her under. If it wasn't for the Beets getting tied in with her Apron then a death by submersion would have occurred.

I just petted Angela's hair and said "So soft, so soft. I'm going to make something out of this" which I did, I made small parcels using old muslin then stuffed Angela's blond locks within, then hung the parcels around the Poultry Pen to scare the bejesus out of any predators with the scent.

Wake Dance:

We have re-introduced the 'Wake Dance' to Schrute Farm. This consists of 11 pagan dancers. Six carry bison horns and they are accompanied by a musician playing an accordion, the witch of pungo (Mose in a dress), the corn horse, the fool, and a youngster with farming instruments. The pagan dancers trace sinister harvest shapes with their feet in the carpet of the earth thus arousing the soil ready for sperma. The ceremony is then ended with the burning of the humanoid.